i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
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And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
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I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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