my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
