??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
id be glad to
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
