i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
