If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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