sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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