I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
