I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
