I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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