i may or may not be watching the land before time
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
