I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
