3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
