i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
