I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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