The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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