I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
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Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
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