Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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