They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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