i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
