Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
