he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
