Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Don't tell me you're on acid again
This couple is walking their pig around campus
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
