Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
