I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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