i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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