Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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