I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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