we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
