i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
