I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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