how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
