I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
