So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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