I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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