I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
