After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
