I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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