I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
