sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
