party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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