don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
