Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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