I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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