when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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