Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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