its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
