Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
