you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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