there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My penis needs a shock collar
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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