Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
