can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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