I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You're a waste of cheezeits
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
